felecorr
02-18-2009, 01:42 PM
I'm not sure if this is the place for it, but Ive been contemplating a story for about a month, regarding a Storyline I created. I hope this is the right place for me to post this. Helpful criticism and feedback is appreciated.
"Lumi, please, hold on." His love lay fading in his arms as he dashed through the rain, A blade in her stomach. She started to cough, which was soon followed by hacking. Red leaked from her lips down the side of her face into her long, flowing blonde hair, painting it dark red. Her wound also stained her blue, silken dress, and was still spreading. Iron boots clanked heavily against stone as He ran up the steps of his castle. the sky was dark, and the wavering torches fighting for life in the ran were the only sources of light.
"Lumindessa," He panted, " Please- dont leave me."
Quick and heavy footsteps ran down an ornate, and dimly lit corridor. At it's end, two great wooden doors burst open, slamming against it's hinges. His hands now cloaked in blood, he looked wildly around the room. Anger welled up clearly on his face dirt-stained face, his black hair matted and clumped. The room was filled with hundreds of lengths of steel, vials filled with colored liquids, cogs, and idle machinery of all kinds. Beyond that, no signs of life.
"BASCH!!!"
Phill awoke startled, with cold sweat against his skin. The window above his bed made what would be a very warm spring day a brisk morning, and he covered himself with a his bedsheets, a quick shiver running down his spine because of the breeze. His heart was racing, and his mind was doing loops. He'd been having the same dream- or nightmare really, almost every night since...
Phill looked down at himself. Along his body, black and blue tattoos covered his skin almost completely, all the way down to his ankles and wrists. Most of it were latin words, pentagrams, and arcane designs. Phill was sworn in as 'Hero' of Baries' two weeks ago, and had been swamped with affairs since. The Hero of an establishment was enshrined with the duty of protecting and honoring everyone who swore and oath to him or her- Most people did in good faith, others despised it, and the rest came along in time as they began to trust their representative. Phill's mentor, Markos Maliksos, was the last 'Hero', but he was pronounced dead after going missing for 8 months. Others wanted the title for the power and position it granted, but ultimately Phill was chosen because of his mentiship and service to Baries' prior.
Phill groaned and he outstretched his legs to stand up. Every muscle in him cried for rest, but there was work to be done, so he forced past it. He stood and took a great yawn, then went to his Amoir to get dressed. A light knock came from his door, and he scrunched up his face, confused and a little surprised at the same time At the hour he was being disturbed at.
"Come in." The maid assigned to his wing opened the door. "Sir, your bath is ready. Your friend is on the grounds waiting for you." He turned to the Amoir, and began to pick out his clothing. He tried to avoid being casual with his employees, now more than ever. "Thank you." He expected her to be gone when he turned, but she was still halfway through the door, looking about his room.
Papers, books, and scrolls lay laden around what was once an office (now a bedroom, He didn't take much space between work and rest) unanswered requests from the people's 'Hero'. He'd been forewarned to ignore that type of mail, because of all the controversy it brought. Although, Phill felt it was his responsibility to at least try, regardless of the burden.
"Sir...do you...want me to throw all this out?" She asked. He felt a little embarrassed that his room was in this condition, but he tried to keep the same tempo. "Oh- Uh, no. It would be nice if someone could organize it for me, though. Would that be alright?" She nodded then stepped out, muttering a "Sir" as the door closed.
"The whole southeast settlement- destroyed. witnesses say it was a Golem, or some Machination, but the say it moved like a puppet." Phill scoffed. Golems were magically animated human-like structures, ranging from steel to bone. They were usually used to protect sorcerers, being physically frail and vulnerable when casting spells. "Probably some crazy artificer that got too big of a head, and wanted to test his toy." Gabriella handed Phill the casualty report with a slightly annoyed look on her face. As they walked down the stairs of his home, people, ran up and down preparing for the day. He lived in a Guild hall provided by the king, a training ground for potential heroes and scholars alike. It wasn't the grandest of the halls, but it was well furnished, and he had about one thousand trainees working under him. Sometimes the students delved into politics, others into carpentry, some into magics and combat. but ultimately it came down to contracts offered to the guild by people and royalty for funding to keep things going, like the one his Chancellor, Gabriella, just brought him.
There was a list of names going on for about three pages, and a description of what happened from the witnesses. Phill stopped when he reached the bottom of the steps, and she touched down on the floor behind him, looking over his shoulder at the sheet. he counted 160-ish deceased, and twice as many injured. Phill had taken on serious monstrosities before with help from his GuildMasters, but he never liked big hunts, regardless of it being part of his job description.
"Another thing," Gabriella said, in a lower voice, and some trainees passed by," The witnesses say it ate some people. What kind of machine eats?" Phill looked back at her, and shook his head, folding the paper. "Get me everyone qualified for this kind of thing, and meet at the square in three hours." He knew she could get it done in one hour, but she tended to be even busier than he was. She tilted her head and frowned a little, turning back up the stairs.
"You mean everyone, or..." Phill raised a brow." The crew, of course."
"Lumi, please, hold on." His love lay fading in his arms as he dashed through the rain, A blade in her stomach. She started to cough, which was soon followed by hacking. Red leaked from her lips down the side of her face into her long, flowing blonde hair, painting it dark red. Her wound also stained her blue, silken dress, and was still spreading. Iron boots clanked heavily against stone as He ran up the steps of his castle. the sky was dark, and the wavering torches fighting for life in the ran were the only sources of light.
"Lumindessa," He panted, " Please- dont leave me."
Quick and heavy footsteps ran down an ornate, and dimly lit corridor. At it's end, two great wooden doors burst open, slamming against it's hinges. His hands now cloaked in blood, he looked wildly around the room. Anger welled up clearly on his face dirt-stained face, his black hair matted and clumped. The room was filled with hundreds of lengths of steel, vials filled with colored liquids, cogs, and idle machinery of all kinds. Beyond that, no signs of life.
"BASCH!!!"
Phill awoke startled, with cold sweat against his skin. The window above his bed made what would be a very warm spring day a brisk morning, and he covered himself with a his bedsheets, a quick shiver running down his spine because of the breeze. His heart was racing, and his mind was doing loops. He'd been having the same dream- or nightmare really, almost every night since...
Phill looked down at himself. Along his body, black and blue tattoos covered his skin almost completely, all the way down to his ankles and wrists. Most of it were latin words, pentagrams, and arcane designs. Phill was sworn in as 'Hero' of Baries' two weeks ago, and had been swamped with affairs since. The Hero of an establishment was enshrined with the duty of protecting and honoring everyone who swore and oath to him or her- Most people did in good faith, others despised it, and the rest came along in time as they began to trust their representative. Phill's mentor, Markos Maliksos, was the last 'Hero', but he was pronounced dead after going missing for 8 months. Others wanted the title for the power and position it granted, but ultimately Phill was chosen because of his mentiship and service to Baries' prior.
Phill groaned and he outstretched his legs to stand up. Every muscle in him cried for rest, but there was work to be done, so he forced past it. He stood and took a great yawn, then went to his Amoir to get dressed. A light knock came from his door, and he scrunched up his face, confused and a little surprised at the same time At the hour he was being disturbed at.
"Come in." The maid assigned to his wing opened the door. "Sir, your bath is ready. Your friend is on the grounds waiting for you." He turned to the Amoir, and began to pick out his clothing. He tried to avoid being casual with his employees, now more than ever. "Thank you." He expected her to be gone when he turned, but she was still halfway through the door, looking about his room.
Papers, books, and scrolls lay laden around what was once an office (now a bedroom, He didn't take much space between work and rest) unanswered requests from the people's 'Hero'. He'd been forewarned to ignore that type of mail, because of all the controversy it brought. Although, Phill felt it was his responsibility to at least try, regardless of the burden.
"Sir...do you...want me to throw all this out?" She asked. He felt a little embarrassed that his room was in this condition, but he tried to keep the same tempo. "Oh- Uh, no. It would be nice if someone could organize it for me, though. Would that be alright?" She nodded then stepped out, muttering a "Sir" as the door closed.
"The whole southeast settlement- destroyed. witnesses say it was a Golem, or some Machination, but the say it moved like a puppet." Phill scoffed. Golems were magically animated human-like structures, ranging from steel to bone. They were usually used to protect sorcerers, being physically frail and vulnerable when casting spells. "Probably some crazy artificer that got too big of a head, and wanted to test his toy." Gabriella handed Phill the casualty report with a slightly annoyed look on her face. As they walked down the stairs of his home, people, ran up and down preparing for the day. He lived in a Guild hall provided by the king, a training ground for potential heroes and scholars alike. It wasn't the grandest of the halls, but it was well furnished, and he had about one thousand trainees working under him. Sometimes the students delved into politics, others into carpentry, some into magics and combat. but ultimately it came down to contracts offered to the guild by people and royalty for funding to keep things going, like the one his Chancellor, Gabriella, just brought him.
There was a list of names going on for about three pages, and a description of what happened from the witnesses. Phill stopped when he reached the bottom of the steps, and she touched down on the floor behind him, looking over his shoulder at the sheet. he counted 160-ish deceased, and twice as many injured. Phill had taken on serious monstrosities before with help from his GuildMasters, but he never liked big hunts, regardless of it being part of his job description.
"Another thing," Gabriella said, in a lower voice, and some trainees passed by," The witnesses say it ate some people. What kind of machine eats?" Phill looked back at her, and shook his head, folding the paper. "Get me everyone qualified for this kind of thing, and meet at the square in three hours." He knew she could get it done in one hour, but she tended to be even busier than he was. She tilted her head and frowned a little, turning back up the stairs.
"You mean everyone, or..." Phill raised a brow." The crew, of course."