The Defense of Elderine

[erick-]

Here is my first story!
Preceding the actual story, I feel that I should establish a background behind all of the characters who will be involved in this story. In the story's dialogue, I will assume the perspective of Henry.
NOTE: Henry and his group are at a very high 'level'

Henry:
Henry is a gifted cleric and a born leader. He is brave, honorable, and extremely intelligent, and, whenever he leads a party, all other people in said party felt safe in his superior judgment and leadership skills. He is good natured and many admire him.
NOTE: Henry is more or less the focus of this story

Greg:
Greg is a skilled mage who always seemed to know when trouble was brewing. He is capable of great focus, and, thus, casts powerful spells. Greg is not particularly known for his bravery. In fact, one might even call him a coward. However, Greg has always been there for his allies when they needed him most. Greg looks up to Henry and aspires to be just like him.
NOTE: Greg's motto is "Never risk your own life if you do not have to"

Fredrick:
Fredrick is a determined fighter who will stop at nothing to achieve fame and notoriety. Though he is overconfident and often bites off more than he can chew, so to speak, he is a good friend and an even better ally in the fields of war. Fredrick joined Henry's protagonist group partly for the fame and partly because he is a good friend of Henry.
NOTE: Fredrick secretly wants to become the most powerful fighter in history

Noelle:
Noelle is a sharp-eyed archer whose aim is sharper than a fighter's sword. She is an enigmatic individual and has gone solo for the majority of the time, but only recently joined Henry's group. She would not reveal her true reasons for joining Henry, but has proved to be a helpful ally time and time again.
NOTE: Noelle is an enigma; little else is known about her

There they were, the countless, more or less heroic combatants wandering about Elderine for various reasons of their own. My group had just gathered in Elderine, and were on our way to the small park located near the enterance to BattleZone 2. When we arrived at said park, we began to speak omongst ourselves. Noelle calmly said, "Henry, what have you called us all here for?" I replied, "My friends, it has come to my attention that Uruga has declared war on Elderine! Earlier today, the high-ranking officials of Elderine spoke to Uruga's ambassador, hoping to sort this problem out with diplomacy, instead of violence. The response was chilling. Uruga's ambassador told those officials that they would get no such peace from Uruga. He also said that Uruga was planning on attacking Roumen, next. I have heard reports of a powerful energy source, known simply as the 'orb of power', located in or near Uruga, which was said to give people prosperity and hapiness just by gazing into its fabled brilliance. People from all walks of life, even children, came to this energy source for hope of a better future. There have been numerous cases of Urugan agression against such innocent people. Frederick, I believe you, in particular, already are aware of this." I paused for emphasis, then continued. "The question is, what will we do about it?" Greg nervously said, "Why do anything? Is it really worth getting killed for?!" Frederick retorted, "Yeah, so what? You want to walk away? Walk way, coward! There were innocent children there -- people who only wanted a better lot in life, and now they are dead! Well, I am not going to just stand around and watch those **** Urugans tear everything down, not when I can put the boot in em'!" Greg spoke again, "Well, when you put it that way, we should do whatever we can to help" Greg thought, "I hope I have not disappointed Henry.." I knew exactly what Greg was thinking, and I reassured him, saying "There is nothing to be ashamed of, Greg. No one is perfect, but Frederick is nevertheless correct." Greg suddenly said, "I get the feeling we are in for a surprise. I suspect Uruga is about to attack this city directly" Frederick impatiently replied "What makes you think Uruga would be dumb enough to attack us directly?!" I responded by saying "Frederick, you should give Greg more credit; he knows when danger is coming."

Just then, the city shook as we all heard the sound of trumpet blasts, weapons clashing, and battering rams hammering against the golden walls of Elderine. Many who heard the sounds of the sudden attack promptly fled the city; others chose to stay and fight. We all gathered together and fought for the greater good -- for the good of Elderine.

We were doing just fine, no problems...

...until they arrived!

All sorts of monsters calling themselves "the friends of Uruga" swarmed over the walls and throughout the city.

As we found a good spot to hide, look over our situation, and think up a good strategy to use against those treacherous monsters, the passers-by who chose to stay and fight gladly vollunteered to hold them off as well as they were able. I said "Friends, this is our day of reckoning. This is where we will make our stand against those infernal creatures! Here is the plan; we let the others distract the monsters while we lure the monsters here one-by-one. We will gradually kill them off using this strategy." Frederick said "I do not like this plan. It seems cowardly to me. However, we apparently have no other option. I'm in, Henry. It's time those fools got their just-desserts!" Greg said "For one, I agree completely." Noelle said "I too agree to this plan." I then said "So, its agreed, then. Let us proceed with my plan!"

Just then, we commenced my plan. The monsters were slowly, but surely, being killed off.

Victory was ours, for the time being, at least...

I told my comerades "We won this battle, but the worst is not yet over. We must travel to Uruga to seek out this 'orb of power' and see for ourselves what is really going on here. We must act quickly, as any false move at this point may as well doom us all." We all nodded in agreement.

Then, we started on our long journey to Uruga. The way to Uruga was fraught with fear and death. Along the way, we faced monsters of every description, all of which we had never encountered before.

--To Be Continued--

[erick-]

I was shocked at the number of monsters we encountered along the way to Uruga. The monsters all were apparently trying to keep us from the orb of power. Of course, this made us even more curious as to what was going on. They resembled other monsters in the area, yet they were considerably more powerful than before, and seemed to have grown twice as large as they were before. I suspected they were exposed to the orb of power, and Uruga was using it to control them somehow.

"Finally, we have arrived at the outskirts of Uruga", I said. "Be prepared for anything." Greg said "There it is -- The Orb of Power! I see some monsters gathering around it and slowly increasing in power!" I then said "this is our chance! Greg, throw your most powerful offensive spells at those revolting creatures." Greg replied "If you say so, Henry!" I continued, "Fredrick, we will take the orb of power and carry it to Elderine" Fredrick said "That is what I call a strategy!" "Noelle, kill any creature that attempts to catch us off guard." Noelle calmly said "Gladly." Greg focused on his staff and bright, unnatural lights immediately eminated from his staff and into the monsters. They fell with a great thud.

More power-mad monsters raced toward Noelle and caught her off guard. They carried her off. I said "Greg and Fredrick, the burden of taking the orb of power to Elderine rests on your shoulders. I will rescue Noelle! No one gets left behind!" Fredrick said "You can count on me!" I had confidence in them; I had a feeling they were the least of my worries, anyway. I rushed after the monster that took Noelle. I had it cornered. I shouted at the monster "You stand no chance, vile beast!" Just then, three more monsters had arrived. I struck at the first monster with all my might, and it fell to the ground, grunting and growling all the while. I said "Come on, Noelle! Our objective is the Orb of Power!" We then raced past the monsters and joined Greg and Fredrick. I could see my trust was well-placed. They still had the Orb of Power. Without a word, we escaped Uruga with the Orb of Power. The monsters from before were still trailing us, however. Noelle used a technique well-known among archers. She shot the monsters behind us while continuing to move forward, not missing a single shot. The arrows each hit the monsters in their vulnerable areas. Noelle said "One shot, one kill."

We had finally reached Elderine. As we walked through the portal and entered the city, we reallised that Fredrick and the Orb of Power were both missing!

Fredrick's voice could be heard in the distance "Yes! Yes!!! Make me stronger!!!!!!" We reached Fredrick, but we were unfortunately too late! His muscles grew to massive proportions! Fredrick roared and swung his weapon in a threatening gesture. I said "Fredrick, put down your weapon and step away from the Orb!" "Never!!!" "Fredrick, can you not see what that accursed thing is doing to you?!" Fredrick fiercely shouted "Leave me alone!!!!" Greg had apparently sneaked behind Fredrick without him noticing a thing. Greg mocked him, saying "You didn't say please!" and immediately blasted him with his most powerful spell. Fredrick was hit in his shoulder. It was obvious that this hurt him terribly. Fredrick was apparently unphased by the mortal wound in his shoulder. He swung his massive weapon directly at Greg, and he was sent flying. I hurried to the direction in which I saw him flying. I healed Greg, as Noelle quickly took cover behind a statue and fired at Fredrick. Fredrick charged like a bull, and the statue that Noelle was hiding behind crumbled. Noelle escaped him and took cover behind another object, firing arrows all the way. Finally, I was finished healing Greg, and we ran to assist Noelle. Greg knew what he had to do. He fired another spell at the Orb of Power, thus destroying it and freeing Fredrick from its power. Fredrick collapsed as he finally succumbed to his grievous wounds. I had luckily been able to heal him in time. Afterwards, he seemed nearly oblivious as to what had happened, as if he had awakened from a dream.

--To be continued--

[erick-]

Fredrick had finally recovered from his power-mad condition. He said "Does this mean the war is over?" I solemnly replied "Knowing those Urugans, it is in all probability only a matter of time until they attack again. Only, this time, they will greet us personally. I will ensure that we will be ready for them."

Due to the lack of adequate defenders in Elderine, it was at this time that a summons was sent out to all the lands still not under Urugan oppression. Adventurers great, small, young, and old were each called to Elderine. We had assembled an army of eager adventurers ready to prove themselves in battle. As they would soon learn, though, there was more to fear than Urugan weapons.

We stood there, awaiting the arrival of Uruga. Elderine was in complete silence. As the minutes passed by, a Urugan attack force drew nearer and nearer, and we could tell by the look on Greg's face how fearsome the odds placed against us would likely be if we faced them head on. It is a good thing that I had set a trap for them. I commanded "Archers and mages, use the high walls of Elderine as vantage points from which to destroy the Urugan aggressors from above. Fighters, get in close and fight it out. Clerics, see to it that not one of us dies here. I will provide additional support."

As I had predicted, Uruga had attacked again. Legions of fighters clad in Urugan armor charged at Elderine's walls. Luckily for us, we had fighters of our own. Our fighters charged out the city and at the Urugan invaders, with the clerics trailing behind them, ready to heal. The mages and archers rained fire and arrows from above. The Urugans seemed immune to all but the most potent attacks, but we were truly a force to be reckoned with, as well. This battle went on for three days, and neither side showed any signs of wanting to back down. There were no casualties on our side, but the losses Uruga had suffered in this battle were tremendous. There seemed to be no end to the Urugan invasion. I said to my fellow defenders "We have them right where we want them. withdraw into the city and let them trigger our trap." We ran back into the city. I knew that Uruga was only attacking Elderine because we had our own Orb of Power which was many times more potent than its Urugan counterpart. We willingly threw it over the walls of elderine and to the Urugans. The Urugans, unable to resist this opportunity, took in the power of Elderine's own Orb of Power, only to find that they could not control its power. I got out and told them "Now, do you see what happens when you clash with Elderine? You are only met with failure and defeat! At this very moment, we are poised to strike you all down. We will return the favor and invade Uruga, unless you vacate the vicinity immediately! I assure you, Uruga will not fare so well as we have." With that, our Urugan aggressors fled. I said "Victory is ours, my comerades! Let us celebrate!"

I may post more, depending on how much people like my story.

[erick-]

Could someone please respond to this thread? At the very least, give me some (constructive) feedback for this story, people!

[Orchids_Mantis]

Well it's okay, but it seems a bit dry (not sure how else to explain it).

One thing that may help is to avoid the repetition of "said" so often when people speak. Try to vary the words a bit (exclaimed, retorted, replied, commented, inquired, muttered, mentioned). Also, remember that "said" or such things as previously mentioned don't need to be used all the time. ex: "What happened?" She asked. He shrugged his shoulders, "How should I know?"

Also, for longer comments by the characters, sometimes breaking the comment up into 2 parts and having the "said" or whtever word you want in between them is a possibility.


If you want grammatic criticism, then don't forget that a comma is supposed to be used before or after using quotations for people talking.

He looked over at her and asked, "How do we get there?"
"It's just over that hill," she answered.


Also, maybe try to incorporate a few scenes of what "you" see in the fighting. You spak of a great battle starting...then how long it goes...then ending...add a bit of meat for us to chew on; just a few times where "you" look around and see a few particular skirmishes that catch your eye.

[erick-]

Well it's okay, but it seems a bit dry (not sure how else to explain it).

Ah, Orc, I was hoping you would reply. The brilliance of your stories is to be admired. Your constructive criticism has earned my honest and sincere gratitude.

One thing that may help is to avoid the repetition of "said" so often when people speak. Try to vary the words a bit (exclaimed, retorted, replied, commented, inquired, muttered, mentioned). Also, remember that "said" or such things as previously mentioned don't need to be used all the time. ex: "What happened?" She asked. He shrugged his shoulders, "How should I know?"

Looking over my story, I see you mean -- this does indeed appear to be a major problem. Said this said that said this said that... It can get irritating, I see. I will look into this, when I can.

Also, for longer comments by the characters, sometimes breaking the comment up into 2 parts and having the "said" or whtever word you want in between them is a possibility.

The problem with breaking a comment up into two parts, in my opinion, is that it seems rather awkward to implement in a dialogue between characters. In a story, written or otherwise, I like to visualize what is going on in the story 'in my head', so to speak. Breaking up a character's commentary to put in the "said" in between only manages to disrupt the natural flow of events that I have so carefully visualized in my head. I always prefer to write down character comments in their entirety, unless there is something else happening in the story significant enough to interrupt them.

If you want grammatical criticism, then don't forget that a comma is supposed to be used before or after using quotations for people talking.

Well, grammar is one thing I definitely hope to improve on, here. I just need some way of checking my spelling and grammar from Mozilla Firefox. I searched far and wide for some sort of add-on or such that will check both my spelling and my grammar, and, for some reason, I could find none. I know I could simply type out my story using Microsoft Word (because it has spell-checking and grammar-checking capabilities), but I do not even have Microsoft Word! Even if I did, this would not be nearly as convenient as typing it out in my browser. This is obviously going to be a problem if I do not eventually come across some sort of web-borne grammar-checking device.
By the way, if you know of such a device, there is no need to post a link. Simply tell me its name, and my trusty search engine will do the rest.

Also, maybe try to incorporate a few scenes of what "you" see in the fighting. You spoke of a great battle starting...then how long it goes...then ending...add a bit of meat for us to chew on; just a few times where "you" look around and see a few particular skirmishes that catch your eye.

I see... I need more material. Very well, I will try to provide my readers with more "meat to chew on".


I am awaiting further commentary/criticism/assistance

[arya_drottngu]

really good ^.^

Keep writing :D

[erick-]

really good ^.^

Keep writing :D

You really like my story? In that case, I will definitely write more. I will get to work write away! Ha ha! Get it? I said "write" instead of "right"!

In any case, thank you very much for your encouraging commentary.