Fan Fiction Try

[Lukasz_Lucky]

Hello,

I am getting bored lately and I decided I would try to write a little story but first I need comments and opinions before going further.

This is Fiesta!!!

Chapter 1

Lucky: Puja,where are we?
Puja: I... I don't know, I never came here before.
Lucky: How did we come here? What happened to us?
Puja: I can't answer, it's like if someone made me forget everything.
Lucky: It's... it's impossible. I only remember that we were walking in a Forest and then... this happened.
Puja: Everything turned white after, remember?
Lucky: Ya, maybe it's just a dream...
Puja: It can't be a dream if it's happening to both of us.
Lucky: Maybe... maybe someone played a trick on us.
Puja: Nah, I think we just fell asleep or something like that.
Lucky: You're wrong, otherwise we would be where we fell asleep.
Puja: Unless someone brought us back home...
Lucky: It's just a dream I tell you.
Puja: I want to get this clear ,maybe we should find someone who might help us in this world.
Lucky: Good idea
Puja: Look, there is some light there, maybe we should go.
Lucky: It might be a trap.
Puja: Well you said it's a dream, so nothing can happen to us.
Lucky: Ya, you're right. Let's follow the light.

The two adventurers started walking toward the light. They both woke up in a mysterious forest with strange mushrooms and huge trees around them. The sky was dark, the stars were shining and shadows were hiding in the forest. Some sounds came out from woods but the adventurers didn't pay attention. As they were walking, Lucky and Puja kept silent: they were terrified about what was happening. Along the way, they saw mushrooms even bigger and some of them moved. As they made their way to the distant light, the sky gre darker, and it seemed as if the shadows pressed in on them. The scared adventurers finally arrived near a blue gate where the light was coming from.

Puja: Maybe we should go in...
Lucky: Are you crazy?!
Puja: But you said...
Lucky: I know it's a dream but it's getting very spooky now!!
Puja: We came here without knowing what's happening, we don't a have little idea where we are but there is one thing I know, we have to find out what happened to us.
Lucky: But... but...
Puja: Are you coming with me into a new world or do you stay here in this creepy place?
Lucky: I... I am coming...

The two adventurers stepped into the portal without knowing where they would go or what would happen but they knew a big adventure awaits them.

[Daevor]

Interesting start, just a few comments:

1. Put a space after each punctuation mark.
2. The plural of mushroom is "mushrooms".
3.

The two adventurers started walking after they sat down and relaxed.


They'd need to get up after sitting down and relaxing before they can start walking again.

4.

As they were walking,Lucky and Puja stayed quiet,they were petrified about what was happening.


To petrify literally means to turn into stone, and is often used to describe a state of fear so extreme a person is unable to move. So I would rephrase the above to:
"As they were walking, Lucky and Puja kept silent: they were terrified about what was happening."

or, if you intend the "stayed quiet" to mean their movements made no sound while they were walking:
"As they were walking, Lucky and Puja moved as quietly as they could: they were terrified about what was happening."

(also note the use of the colon as opposed to a comma)

5.
As the light was growing bigger,the sky was getting darker and more shadows were approaching.


If the light was "growing bigger", we'd expect it to be getting lighter. I suggest something along the lines of:
"As they made their way to the distant light, the sky grew darker, and it seemed as if the shadows pressed in on them."

I look forward to part 2 :)

[Lukasz_Lucky]

Thank you for your comments and the things you added to improve my story.I will edit the first post and start writing the second part.

For the readers, you may help me by imporving the story but I will alos need to help in other stuff.

1. You may give me some ideas by posting here.
2. I need people to help me find titles for each chapter. The title must be a title taken from a game,movie or anything and then modified. Example: Enter the Matrix ---> Enter the Cheatrix (taken from Simpsons the Game) . It has to do something with the chapter.

Thanks,
~Lucky

[Lukasz_Lucky]

Chapter 2

Lucky and Puja arrived in the middle of another forest. The first thing they saw was a shadow. The shadow was small, it seemed like it was holding something. The two adventurers followed him but after awhile the shadow ran away.

Lucky: Why did you scare him?
Puja: What are you talking about? You scared him away.
Lucky: I didn't, I just followed him like you did.
Puja: Aww stop acting like a baby, it's making me mad.
Lucky: I am not a baby.
Puja: You're one for sure...
Lucky: Look,something moved in the woods.

Lucky was right,there were some creatures hiding behind the trees. Some shawdows were smaller and some of them were bigger. The sky was getting darker and the moon birghter. Three shadows came out from the woods. Lucky and Puja were even more terrified, they moved back slowly. The shadows grew even bigger and suddenly, they stopped moving.

Shadow: Are you Lucky and P-p-p-puja?
Puja: Yes...
Shadow: P-p-p-please follow us.
Lucky: It...it might be a trap...
Puja: It might be the solution to our problem aswell.
Lucky: But...if they are mean and evil and...and if they were demons!!!
Puja: Aww Lucky, stop exagerating everything, I am sure they are friendly.

The two adventures slowly followed the three shadows. As they walked, they saw some shadows fighting with other shadows. Some of them seemed to hold swords, and some shadows were holding bows. They walked a little bit further to see even more shadows but these ones were holding maces. After some hours of walking in the woods, the shadow started disappearing and some colorful creatures came out of the woods: the sun was rising up. The shadows vanished and the two adventurers finally saw who was behind them. There was a little purple creature leading the way and two other creatures on both side which looked like mushrooms. The creatures stopped walking and purple creature turned to the terrified adventurers.

Creature: Welcome to our world!
Lucky: C-c-could we know who you are?
Creature: My bad,I forgot to introduce myself. I am Slimey, a little slime like many others. Nice to meet you.
Puja: Aww, look how cute he is!
Slimey: Thank you for your opinion but I would app-p-p-p-preciate if you could say "she" than "he" .
Puja: I am sorry Miss Slime.
Slimey: It's ok, everyone does mistakes. Anyways, I would like you to meet Eleus and Mary the mushrooms.
Eleus: Hello, nice to meet you.
Puja: Hi hi !!!
Lucky: Hello...so, could we know where we are and who are those human-looking creatures behind you?
Mary: This is Loumen's Forest
Lucky: Loumen...is this a town?
Mary: Yes,but it's still far that's why we will give you some sleeping here.
Lucky: But we don't have anywhere to sleep.
Mary: Don't worry, take these mushroom houses,they will help you along the way.
Puja: Do you mean it's our house and that we will sleep inside?
Mary: Exactly!!
Puja: That's exciting !!!!
Mary: Ok young adventurers,it's time for you to sleep. We will wake you up in a few hours.
Puja: Good night...I mean good day!!!

To be continued...



EDIT: I will make another topic which will be the real one,this one a try to see if I could write some stories.

If any staff member can close this,I would appreciate.