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wunamon
10-29-2010, 05:20 AM
This is the first part of my 12 part novel about my character based on the MMO fiesta online. I hope u enjoy it. If u do like it please recommend it to ur friends thank you. My friend and I are currently making a flash video to be posted on Newgrounds regarding this story. Wish me luck. Below is the first part of the story.

Legends of Isya
Legend of Red Knight Wunamon


THE LITTLE FISHING TOWN
Wunamon finally got off the Pearly Princess at noon at the docks of Roumen after three months at sea. He had heard of the land Isya and the adventures and thrills that it had to offer. All his life he wanted to be part of this great land where many of the world’s heroes had emerged. Outside the docks was the town market place to the right, the light house stood majestically to the left and right in front of it was the Guild Hall. This was where the entire strong and notable warriors hang out. In order to be amongst their ranks, a rookie warrior was expected to show courage by completing a series of tasks in the proving grounds which was supervised by one of Isya’s legends, Captain Shutian. A fierce warrior rumored to have single handedly fenced off a Giant Goblin Knight all by himself. As Wunamon made his way up the majestic steps to his new home, he was greeted by a sweet young lady named Remi. She had long curly orange hair and stood almost five foot six. She wore a traditional Roumen blouse and next to her was a mini honeying. A honeying was one of the many creatures that lurked in Isya. Most of the creatures that lived in Isya where different from those that lived in other parts of the world, with Isyian creatures, they shrunk to mini versions of their actual size when they were tamed, thus earned the pet monsters the prefix of mini. She explained to Wunamon that she was the town guide and it was her job to initiate every traveler to the rules and guidelines in Isya. After all Isya was not like any other place. They had special rules and regulations in Isya that were not normal in other places. These rules were very important and the security officers of Isya dealt hard with any offenders. Leading these officers where the incredible GM’s. They were very majestic and seem almost godly. No one could take them on in a fight and win. They were rarely seen but in times when they made an appearance, it was like the King of Isya had emerged. Due to the fear of the GMs, citizens of Isya generally adhered to the laws and regulations of the land therefore it was always safe in the GM controlled areas. Remi guided Wunamon to the Noob Office. This was a wooden structure where all visitors and new citizens were gathered for the orientation. Wunamon was surrounded by very new faces and some familiar ones. The familiar faces were those of people that were on the same ship as him. Within the congregation, Wunamon identified some dark elves as well as forest elves. Wunamon had heard about them but this was the first he was seeing one for himself. The difference between the dark elf and the forest elf was their skin tone. Forest elves had a skin tone that was similar to that of every human. Dark elves had purple skin due to the exposure to Magi Stones. This made them sole adept to magic arts. Their bodies had gotten frail due to the exposure so magic was the only way they could defend themselves and survive. Forest elves could be either mages or archers. Elves generally couldn’t handle hand to hand combat due to their build. They barely had any muscle to do any damage or take any so they were not good for support or physical aggression. Due to this reason they preferred abilities complemented their other strengths like accuracy and long sight. These included ranged methods like archery and magic. They also specialized in devastating area attacks that could wipe out whole armies in an instant. Due to their deadliness, a magic council was formed to monitor and control the activities of Mage Dark Elves, with their headquarters in Elderine, the capital city of Isya where anyone who visited Isya was recommended to go visit at least once. Humans on the other hand could do anything. For this reason, majority of the high ranking posts were held by humans. Remi herself was a forest elf but she was more of a merchant and farmer. She stood on a high platform so everyone could see her. She got the attention of everyone and then started the orientation. During the orientation a document was sent round that required that everyone indicated their purpose for coming to Isya and also indicate their career choice. There were generally six career choices. These choices included the following; warrior, which involved direct hand to hand combat and brute strength as well as high constitution to make them resilient to pain. Weapon choices were three in all. There was the short sword and shield combo for the warrior that was tactful and preferred a more calculated approach. There was the long sword which was for the warrior that wanted the extra damage but needed the little agility that could turn the tide in battle also because it got the attention of the ladies. Wielding a long sword just made a warrior look way too suave. Finally there was the battle axe. Just looking at one explained to anyone what it was meant for. Pure brute force embodied into one weapon. This weapon embodies so much power that the Senate was being pushed to have some of the power removed or the axe totally banned. This complains have not been taken seriously because axe wielders were the force that kept most of the enemy away. Nerfing that weapon was simply out of the question. Besides, due to its size it was slower to use but when it hit its intended target the damage was undeniable. This was the weapon choice of warriors that had no care about their looks and focused on ending a fight as quickly as possible. The second career choice was the cleric. They were simply fighters that were well versed in the white arts. They couldn’t use swords or axes since white magic required a larger surface area to work. Therefore clerics where limited to bludgeoning implements. The cleric’s choice was the hammer and the mace. These were paired with shields. Clerics also carried Teva tomes from which they read the incantations of Teva to resurrect fallen allies and dispel curses. The third career choice was archery. It was the use of bows and arrows to hunt enemies. Elves preferred this career path more due to its range ability. Elves did not have the mental and physical conditioning necessary perform hand to hand combat needed for warriors and clerics. There were two kinds of bows that could be utilized in this career choice. These bows where the bow and arrow which was used by archers that preferred to hunt alone while the crossbow was used by those preferred to hunt as a group. The natural long range sight and calm made the elves perfect for range based careers. At later levels, archers learnt to lace their arrows with poisons and diseases that will stay with the enemy should they manage to elude the archer after an attack. The fourth and final career choice was magic. Masters of this career were referred to as mages. Once again a favored career choice for elves but more suited to dark elves due to their adeptness to the art after exposure to magi stones which amplify their magic abilities. In order to manifest magic, mages needed implements of the ethereal. These implements came in two forms namely the wand and the staff. The wand was more suited to mages that preferred agility and accuracy while the staff was used by mages that had mastered the summoning arts and preferred more devastating power rather than controlled blasts of energy. All the career choices where very attractive but Wunamon knew what he would become long before he made the journey to Isya. He was going to be a warrior.
Wunamon ticked off on the answers and then passed it to the front desk next to the platform where Remi stood. After an hour or so, the orientation was over and Wunamon left to his new home in Roumen-Isya.

FatalLace
10-29-2010, 01:59 PM
Since you posted a message on my blog, I felt I should help you out a bit with this... please do take my suggestions as attempts to help you, not as attacks in any way. feel free to disregard them completely if you feel they hurt the flow of your adventure.. afterall, this is your story, not mine...


THE LITTLE FISHING TOWN

Wunamon finally got off the Pearly Princess at noon at the docks of Roumen after three months at sea. He had heard of the land Isya and the adventures and thrills that it had to offer. All his life he wanted to be part of this great land where many of the world’s heroes had emerged. Outside the docks was the town market place to the right, the light house stood majestically to the left and right in front of it was the Guild Hall. This was where the strong and notable warriors gathered. In order to be amongst their ranks, a rookie warrior was expected to show courage by completing a series of tasks in the proving grounds, supervised by one of Isya’s legends, Captain Shutian. Shutian became known as a fierce warrior and was rumored to have single handedly defeated a Giant Goblin Knight all by himself.

As Wunamon made his way up the majestic steps to his new home, he was greeted by a sweet young lady named Remi. She had long curly orange hair and stood almost five and a half feet tall. She wore a traditional Roumen blouse and was accompanied by a mini honeying. A honeying was one of the many creatures that lurked in Isya. Most of the creatures of Isya were different from those that lived in other parts of the world, with Isyan creatures, they shrunk to mini versions of their actual size when they were tamed, thus earning these pet monsters the prefix of “mini”. She explained to Wunamon that she was the town guide and it was her job to initiate every traveler to the rules and guidelines in Isya.

Isya is unlike any other place, afterall. There are special rules and regulations in Isya that are not normal in other places. These rules are very important and the security officers of Isya are unforgiving with any offenders. Leading these officers are the incredible GM’s. They are very majestic and seem almost god-like. No one could take them on in a fight and win. They are rarely seen but in times when they make an appearance, it was as if the King of Isya himself had emerged. Due to the fear of the GMs, citizens of Isya generally adhered to the laws and regulations of the land therefore it was always safe in the GM controlled areas.

Remi guided Wunamon to the Noob Office, a wooden structure where all visitors and new citizens were gathered for orientation. Wunamon found himself surrounded by both familiar and unfamiliar faces. He immediately recognized many of the same faces that accompanied him on the Pearly Princess….


So far the story sounds good... i rewrote a few parts, made some grammatical corrections, etc... i think it flows a bit better now... definitely try to use paragraphs... looking at a huge wall of letters will immediately cause some people to ignore what u've taken such effort to write.

the minipet part (in red, not in red since there's no color in quotes... zzz) was a bit confusing as all of the lands (maps) are technically Isya. so not sure where u want to draw the line between what/how a minipet is created/defined...

i didn't read the rest of it as i ran out of time and wanted to post something, but hopefully this helps you a bit

guiltyxpleasures
10-29-2010, 03:04 PM
There's very little flow to your story, not just in the structuring itself, but also in the thought process. Instead of having a central focus and developing it smoothly, you had your character off the boat and floating all over the place describing random things. If your objective was to describe Isya, you could've made it more interesting to involve interactions with your character as you progressed through the towns, or described it prior to the arrival of your character altogether.

I stopped reading after a few lines and started skimming before finally skipping to the end since the story was difficult to read and did not hold my interest. Like FatalLace said, you could really use paragraphs. :)

john99944
10-29-2010, 10:48 PM
THE LITTLE FISHING TOWN
Wunamon finally got off the Pearly Princess at noon at the docks of Roumen after three months at sea. He had heard of the land Isya and the adventures and thrills that it had to offer. All his life he wanted to be part of this great land where many of the world’s heroes had emerged. Outside the docks was the town market place to the right, the light house stood majestically to the left and right in front of it was the Guild Hall. This was where the entire strong and notable warriors hang out. In order to be amongst their ranks, a rookie warrior was expected to show courage by completing a series of tasks in the proving grounds which was supervised by one of Isya’s legends, Captain Shutian. A fierce warrior rumored to have single handedly fenced off a Giant Goblin Knight all by himself. As Wunamon made his way up the majestic steps to his new home, he was greeted by a sweet young lady named Remi. She had long curly orange hair and stood almost five foot six. She wore a traditional Roumen blouse and next to her was a mini honeying. A honeying was one of the many creatures that lurked in Isya. Most of the creatures that lived in Isya where different from those that lived in other parts of the world, with Isyian creatures, they shrunk to mini versions of their actual size when they were tamed, thus earned the pet monsters the prefix of mini. She explained to Wunamon that she was the town guide and it was her job to initiate every traveler to the rules and guidelines in Isya. After all Isya was not like any other place. They had special rules and regulations in Isya that were not normal in other places. These rules were very important and the security officers of Isya dealt hard with any offenders. Leading these officers where the incredible GM’s. They were very majestic and seem almost godly. No one could take them on in a fight and win. They were rarely seen but in times when they made an appearance, it was like the King of Isya had emerged. Due to the fear of the GMs, citizens of Isya generally adhered to the laws and regulations of the land therefore it was always safe in the GM controlled areas. Remi guided Wunamon to the Noob Office. This was a wooden structure where all visitors and new citizens were gathered for the orientation. Wunamon was surrounded by very new faces and some familiar ones. The familiar faces were those of people that were on the same ship as him. Within the congregation, Wunamon identified some dark elves as well as forest elves. Wunamon had heard about them but this was the first he was seeing one for himself. The difference between the dark elf and the forest elf was their skin tone. Forest elves had a skin tone that was similar to that of every human. Dark elves had purple skin due to the exposure to Magi Stones. This made them sole adept to magic arts. Their bodies had gotten frail due to the exposure so magic was the only way they could defend themselves and survive. Forest elves could be either mages or archers. Elves generally couldn’t handle hand to hand combat due to their build. They barely had any muscle to do any damage or take any so they were not good for support or physical aggression. Due to this reason they preferred abilities complemented their other strengths like accuracy and long sight. These included ranged methods like archery and magic. They also specialized in devastating area attacks that could wipe out whole armies in an instant. Due to their deadliness, a magic council was formed to monitor and control the activities of Mage Dark Elves, with their headquarters in Elderine, the capital city of Isya where anyone who visited Isya was recommended to go visit at least once. Humans on the other hand could do anything. For this reason, majority of the high ranking posts were held by humans. Remi herself was a forest elf but she was more of a merchant and farmer. She stood on a high platform so everyone could see her. She got the attention of everyone and then started the orientation. During the orientation a document was sent round that required that everyone indicated their purpose for coming to Isya and also indicate their career choice. There were generally six career choices. These choices included the following; warrior, which involved direct hand to hand combat and brute strength as well as high constitution to make them resilient to pain. Weapon choices were three in all. There was the short sword and shield combo for the warrior that was tactful and preferred a more calculated approach. There was the long sword which was for the warrior that wanted the extra damage but needed the little agility that could turn the tide in battle also because it got the attention of the ladies. Wielding a long sword just made a warrior look way too suave. Finally there was the battle axe. Just looking at one explained to anyone what it was meant for. Pure brute force embodied into one weapon. This weapon embodies so much power that the Senate was being pushed to have some of the power removed or the axe totally banned. This complains have not been taken seriously because axe wielders were the force that kept most of the enemy away. Nerfing that weapon was simply out of the question. Besides, due to its size it was slower to use but when it hit its intended target the damage was undeniable. This was the weapon choice of warriors that had no care about their looks and focused on ending a fight as quickly as possible. The second career choice was the cleric. They were simply fighters that were well versed in the white arts. They couldn’t use swords or axes since white magic required a larger surface area to work. Therefore clerics where limited to bludgeoning implements. The cleric’s choice was the hammer and the mace. These were paired with shields. Clerics also carried Teva tomes from which they read the incantations of Teva to resurrect fallen allies and dispel curses. The third career choice was archery. It was the use of bows and arrows to hunt enemies. Elves preferred this career path more due to its range ability. Elves did not have the mental and physical conditioning necessary perform hand to hand combat needed for warriors and clerics. There were two kinds of bows that could be utilized in this career choice. These bows where the bow and arrow which was used by archers that preferred to hunt alone while the crossbow was used by those preferred to hunt as a group. The natural long range sight and calm made the elves perfect for range based careers. At later levels, archers learnt to lace their arrows with poisons and diseases that will stay with the enemy should they manage to elude the archer after an attack. The fourth and final career choice was magic. Masters of this career were referred to as mages. Once again a favored career choice for elves but more suited to dark elves due to their adeptness to the art after exposure to magi stones which amplify their magic abilities. In order to manifest magic, mages needed implements of the ethereal. These implements came in two forms namely the wand and the staff. The wand was more suited to mages that preferred agility and accuracy while the staff was used by mages that had mastered the summoning arts and preferred more devastating power rather than controlled blasts of energy. All the career choices where very attractive but Wunamon knew what he would become long before he made the journey to Isya. He was going to be a warrior.
Wunamon ticked off on the answers and then passed it to the front desk next to the platform where Remi stood. After an hour or so, the orientation was over and Wunamon left to his new home in Roumen-Isya.


FWI, the wand is more powerful then the staff. And Roumen is IN Isya, not the other way around.


There's very little flow to your story, not just in the structuring itself, but also in the thought process. Instead of having a central focus and developing it smoothly, you had your character off the boat and floating all over the place describing random things. If your objective was to describe Isya, you could've made it more interesting to involve interactions with your character as you progressed through the towns, or described it prior to the arrival of your character altogether.

I stopped reading after a few lines and started skimming before finally skipping to the end since the story was difficult to read and did not hold my interest. Like FatalLace said, you could really use paragraphs. :)

Like guilty said, use paragraphing. Like this:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No offense if I offended you.

wunamon
10-30-2010, 05:03 AM
Thanks for the feedback. BTW I am not completely sticking to the fiesta mythology and facts. I am making Isya feel more like a continent rather than the entire world because i plan to add my own unique features. With regards to the construction, I am aware of this fact that is why i asked Fatallace for help. She runs is involved in the fiesta magazine thing and i thought she will be the best help i could get @ Fatalace, i wanted to give a little insight to the reason why pets looked different in size to their wild counterparts. Also there are no paragraphs because i simply copied and pasted to the thread. I dont know how to make an attachment sorry i am newb like that. I am glad for this feedback. For those of you who wanna help me with the construction of the story please let me know i will find a way to send the word doc with how far i have gotten to u so u can help me with this. I really need this story to be told since i will be having the video coming about late 2011 or early 2012. IT will be a 30 minute flash video :). I will also reference all the people that gave me relevant help. Thanks again.

Orchids_Mantis
10-30-2010, 05:59 AM
double tap enter when you type to make a break in paragraphs, this will follow onto the Fiesta forums when you copy/paste.

john99944
10-30-2010, 06:35 AM
Why not go to Abyss Guardians to see Ath's creations! If you want a comedy, go to Isyan Explorers. mary566 just made the first part of the chapter and its HILARIOUS!

wunamon
10-30-2010, 01:01 PM
Orchids Thanks for that hint. Will do well to apply it on the next one. @ John I am not really trying to be hilarious or copy others. I am just telling the story of my characters adventures in the game using facts and events that occur in the game as well as some additions from my point of view. Thank u for the suggestion though. Once again anyone that wanna help me with the story as in editing should please let me know so i can send them a copy. All help appreciated :)