The Dark Crystal Cave

[tristene123]

Prolouge


There once lived a little girl name Celestia .she always dreamt of being a saviour.Then,one night she got hited by a

metor and got healing powers.She felt strange when she woke up she was glowing green! she couldnt control

herself and accidentally destoryed the town the townspeople got angry and banned her from the town. Celestia

was soo sad she met a few friends ,sunddenly a big UFO appeared! She learnt that the

the world was indangered by an alien.Will Celestia and her friends save the day?

[john99944]

The Prolouge is fine i understand this is your first time writing a story just take your time

[mary587]

Its not bad but you could make the prolouge longer though

[tristene123]

An Unsual Day




Chapter １



PART1


One time there was a girl who dreamt of being a hero , it all started at another ordinary day well not ordinary for her.


Celestia (測樂天) was outside with her friend Alice( 阿力策) playing, when it was dawn she saw a metorite heading

towards her. She ran and ran but got hit .Alice(阿力策) helped her up and told her she should rest.She went

home ,and she was glowing green!

Celestia(測樂天) : help im glowing green!!!!!

Alice(阿力策) : i dont know what to do?

Celestia(測樂天) :HELP ME OR ILL......


Celestia accidentaly knocked Alice into a coma

Celestia(測樂天) :come on just because your in a coma doesnt mean that you can open your eyes!

Celestia(測樂天) KNOCKED THE TOWN UPSIDE DOWN !!!!!!!!!!!

TO BE C:eek:TINOUED
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That the end sorry this isnt a big episode see ya!
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Makers: Tristene

Ideas:Nicole143

[tristene123]

Please i hope someone reads my fanfic

[sar979]

well it takes time for stories to become popular ^^ keep writting

[Daevor]

Phew, okay, so many spelling and grammar mistakes. Normally I'd mark the corrections in red, but I'm sorry I don't have time for that right now. Anyway:



Prologue
There once lived a little girl name Celestia. She always dreamt of being a saviour. Then, one night, she was hit by a meteorite and got healing powers. She felt strange when she woke up she was glowing green! She couldn't control herself and accidentally destroyed the town. The townspeople got angry and banned her from the town.

Celestia was so sad. She met a few friends. Suddenly a big UFO appeared! She learnt that the the world was endangered by an alien. Will Celestia and her friends save the day?



An Unusual Day


Chapter １

PART1

One time there was a girl who dreamt of being a heroine. It all started like another ordinary day, well, but not ordinary for her.


Celestia (測樂天) was outside with her friend Alice( 阿力策) playing. When it was dawn she saw a meteorite heading towards her. She ran and ran but got hit. Alice(阿力策) helped her up and told her she should rest. She went home, and she was glowing green!

Celestia(測樂天) : Help! I'm glowing green!!!!!

Alice(阿力策) : I don't know what to do!

Celestia(測樂天) :HELP ME OR ILL......


Celestia accidentaly knocked Alice into a coma.

Celestia(測樂天) :come on just because you're in a coma doesn't mean that you can open your eyes!

Celestia(測樂天) KNOCKED THE TOWN UPSIDE DOWN !!!!!!!!!!!

TO BE C:eek:TINUED
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That is the end. Sorry this isn't a big episode. See ya!
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Makers: Tristene

Ideas:Nicole143

Okay, now, I have a few comments/questions:

1.
Meteorites generally burn out in the atmosphere before reaching the planet's surface. If a meteor is large enough, it can make it to the surface. However, if it is this large, Celestia would be severely injured (if not totally obliterated) were she to be hit by such a meteorite.

On the other hand, let's say the meteorite burns down to the size of a very small stone by the time it hits Celestia. This very small stone sized meteorite would also be extremely hot, causing a severe burn on Celestia's body (wherever it hits her). However, there is no mention of such affliction in the story.

So I'm wondering if you could give a bit more detail regarding this meteorite.

2.
Chapter 1 says Celestia and Alice were playing outside, and that Celestia was hit at dawn. This seems to imply that two girls were playing before dawn. Dawn is when the first (sun) light of a new day appears in the sky. Hence, Celestia and Alice were playing outside before first light, that is, while it was still dark. So then, two girls playing outside that early in the morning while it is still dark? This seems a bit odd.

3.
Chapter 1 seems to be saying that Celestia realized she was glowing green on her way home (after being hit by the meteorite), whereas the prologue indicates that she only discovered this upon waking up after going home.

4.

Celestia(測樂天) :come on just because you're in a coma doesn't mean that you can open your eyes!


That makes no sense to me. If you're in a coma, it does, in fact, mean you can not open your eyes. At least not voluntarily.

5.

Celestia(測樂天) KNOCKED THE TOWN UPSIDE DOWN !!!!!!!!!!!


Okay, that's nice and dramatic. But exactly how did she do this? If she doesn't know how she did it, then how does she know she did it?

6.
The prologue mentions that Celestia gained healing powers when she was hit by the meteorite. Yet, thus far (in fact, in both the prologue and chapter 1), she only demonstrates destructive powers. Furthermore, if she really had healing powers, she should have been able to bring Alice out of the coma, right?
Or does she only develop the healing powers later on in the story?

Okay, that's all for now. Keep going.

Daevor, The Devoted.

[tristene123]

well the"just because your in a coma doesnt mean u cant open your eyes!" is a joke and its hard writing a fan fic and celestia doesnt know she has powers

[Daevor]

1 Aah, a joke. Okay, I see.

2. Calm down, girl! I'm sorry, I did not mean to offend you. I was merely pointing out a few possible inconsistencies in the story that I thought you might want to address.

3. And yes, it is hard. I started mine about 3 years ago and I'm still limping on, lol!

Daevor, The Devoted

[tristene123]

Im not mad lol i would also ask that question too i should have explain that part lol.

[tristene123]

and i have to say i do have spelling mistakes and grammar too, but its the first time soo its really hard XD XP and good luck with your fan fic too

[tristene123]

and thanks for posting on my fan fic ATLEAST

[tristene123]

An Unsual Day


Chapter 1
PART2




Celestia was soo sad that she was banished from the village ,too bad her friend Alice

couldn't cheer her up.Suddenly she saw a crystal cave it was so dark that even bats cant

wake up in 1000 years.Celestia curiously went in the crystal cave, she felt like something

was following her.She remembered her mothers command before she left, they called it

the Dark Crystal Cave her heart was pumping soo fast when she saw a Freaky shadow,It

was just another super powered and got kicked out of the village kid.Celestia asked

her:''Whats your name?''

The kid answered:''Rena."

Celestia:''Thats a nice name i am Celestia and i just got banned from the village soo how

do we survive?''

Rena:''Well , actually we are supposed to be training to be hero's i was gonna go see Master Elsword but i was lonely.

Celestia:"Im not one of those super power freaks!''

Rena:''You are not a freak , this is an effect u get from the radioactive meteor."

Celestia:''No wonder i was glowing green.''

Rena:''Green? Isnt it orange .''


*Rena gasp's*

Rena:'' You have the rare and unique healing powers.''

Celestia:''So im special?''

Rena:''Yeah!"

Rena:'' You want to go to Master Elsword with me?"

Celestia:''Heck ya!"

Celestia and Rena went together to see Master Elsword and on their way a monster

poped out and Rena died Celestia was outraged and sad her tears of life brought Rena

back to life!Guess she really does have a superpower!

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Makers:Ro mo ke(xXDeliora_RoseXx)

Celestia:Mary524(Lily_Asbeth_Rose)

Alice:Joanne(Lily_Asbeth)

Vilagers:Herione Lim(Vanessa_Crosgove)

Rena:Amy Herioune(Bella_Mage)

Ideas:Sonia Lee(_Cutie_Fighter_)

Support:john99944(DavidsonSam)