PDA

View Full Version : A New Beginning


thrakx
03-27-2008, 09:17 PM
This is for my 23 critics or fans you decide which after reading!


*PS: Plz forgive any random errors as i am in the editing process atm, and will continue to add stuff and edit this thread here in the next few days.

It all began with an orphan in the rain.....

The night fell over Brynhild, and with it the rain came. Fat drops that soon had the water flowing over the cobblestones, and into the gutters in a torrent. Super walked the streets as if in a daze. Where was he? He searched for a familiar face, but the water distorted everything.

He stood outside tramis mansion that nite for a long time, silently contemplating the events of the last couple days. He was still alone, just like when he found himself in this place, and now on top of that it was raining again.

As he looked throught the windows into the grand mansion which housed the fighters guild, the pain and confusion almost became too much. The cheery light from inside cast a weak glow on his face, as he watched the people inside, dining and carrying on oblivious to the downpour outside. He shook his head in disgust and walked back south towards the square. Hoping just maybe this once he would see a familiar face, maybe some one would speak to him, maybe he would get a chance to find some kind of shelter
for the night, or at least some company.

Entering the square the weather got even worse. People were all over still, the poor, the weak, the newly arrived dregs of society- They huddled together for warmth, seeking what comfort they could in each others company, still not one would acknowledge him as he dully trudged by. Each time he tried to make eye contact it was like he didn't exsist. After a while he just gave up trying to talk to them.
Maybe he could go shelter near the vege cart, the girl who worked there was at least friendlier to him than anyone else except the streetsweeper Yozette on summerhill street. It was no use, even her cart was shut down, and she was nowhere to be found.

He felt the despair growing stronger. Even all the spots under the trees were takin by now....
"am I a ghost?" "what is this burden I bear that makes me so unlike all these others here?"
"why must it be so heavy..."

The pain flowed into him. It filled him up, so much pain, surely he would be better off, just giving in.and letting himself be washed away like the water. Free at last of the crushing lonliness which had haunted his days and nights since he found himself in this place.
.One last spot to try and find some shelter. He made his way towards the hotel on Mall St. The street here was nearly deserted as he had thought they would be.

The water pooled here and there as it flowed on its way towards the sewers underneath town.
He made his way to the garden beside the hotel, approaching caustiously in case his spot was occupied, he carefully peered through the bushes and looked into the garden. His heart leapt! It was empty! He wriggled through the bushed and made his way into the clearing. Managing to find a spot that as relatively dry under one of the trees, he spread his cloak out on the ground, and layed his head on his shoes and tried to
go to sleep.

Despite the rain, the night was warm, and there was no wind. As he layed on the grass and looked up at his tree, he resolved to try again tomorrow. Surely everything he'd known couldn't disappear- It was impossible. Wasn't it? Even worse was the confusion that blanketed his head like a cloud, where had he even been before this? What HAD he known? The last though before he drifted off to sleep was a grim one.

"what if I NEVER find out?"

thrakx
03-27-2008, 09:18 PM
Reserved for next pt

Minryu
03-27-2008, 10:08 PM
A few errors (as you've mentioned) but I really like the imagery - you use a lot of descriptive phrases. This overall is pretty well-written but remember to focus more on story and less on details of the setting - don't worry I do that a lot as well xD

Good job, let's see more ^^

thrakx
03-28-2008, 07:21 AM
as i said up there, i wasnt really ready to put it up, it was a total spur of the moment thing before i went to work, so yeah there are still some things going on.

Min, i did focus more on the setting there, but I felt it was important to set the mood. Anyhow more story in the next parts. Thanks for you input, at least some one had the nerve to post here.

hmm wonder what happened to Herapox and the others who didn't like my attitude?

Thanks to my 23 critics or fans, you all know who you are XP

thrakx
03-28-2008, 08:31 AM
NOT related in any way to story but I just wrote a neo fighting a starbear. It was like a two minute write, and I'm NOT a neo so my info MIGHT be a little off, but the spirit is the same. This one goes out to serothia who was wondering how I might write a fight with a mob.

"CRITICAL!!! My dagger flashed in the sunlight as I leapt back and parried another wild stroke. This Star Bear was getting the better of me! Backpedaling desperately, I tried to get my bearings. Luan Basin was deserted this time of day and there was no help around. My hunt for the elusive snay cub better not end up like this! Searching through my bag on the fly my hand closed over the lid of a weak HP pot. Had to try and pop it before I get seriously hurt. Summoning my strength I used one of the attacking skills I had just learned. BLINDSIDE!!!! The Star bear paused confused and let loose with a keening wail as the poison started running through its veins. Just in time I raised the pot to my lips and chugged as hard as I could. Feeling my strength returning, and seeing the bear on the ropes pushed me to a new elation. Everything focused in tightly with a startling clarity. I could see the bears attacks before they were even begun, and I redoubled my efforts with a howl of triumph. It was all over in another minute. As the bear sank to the ground vanquished, so did I, letting the sweet mix of victory and exhaustion wash over me. "

Orangeman21
03-28-2008, 08:50 AM
I'm feeling kinda bad right now and don't feel like saying to much in terms of editing so good job.^^

I'll just edit it when I feel like saying something.

thrakx
03-28-2008, 08:53 AM
Reserved fo story posting

Orangeman21
03-28-2008, 08:58 AM
Nah I've been feeling sick for today. Just got back from the doctors after doing a lot of blood work going to take a nap at my comp lol.

I don't have to much to say about your writing except good job. It would make a good prelude type thing.

Khrim
03-28-2008, 09:12 AM
Hehe, you already know what I think of your story :P Voted the first option ftw. But I think they're quietly trying to think what to say when they post or they've taken the 2nd/3rd option and sulked away quietly.

Zedia
03-28-2008, 10:12 AM
yay thrakx! i loved it! and i thought there was enough detail, not too much! at least you didn't pull some anne rice shiz. she's got detail comin' outta the wazoo! there were a few grammatical errors that i caught. O.o but they were very minor and grammar sucks anyway! XD and i know you're in the midst of editing and such and i probably shouldn't say anything more, but i thought it was never night on Xen. i talked to an npc and he explained it or something freaky. i'll go find out his name right now! *scoots away really fast*

btw:

write more! XD

thrakx
03-28-2008, 10:32 AM
yay thrakx! i loved it! and i thought there was enough detail, not too much! at least you didn't pull some anne rice shiz. she's got detail comin' outta the wazoo! there were a few grammatical errors that i caught. O.o but they were very minor and grammar sucks anyway! XD and i know you're in the midst of editing and such and i probably shouldn't say anything more, but i thought it was never night on Xen. i talked to an npc and he explained it or something freaky. i'll go find out his name right now! *scoots away really fast*

btw:

write more! XD

yeah i've been debating the whole frozen time thing since it will take a lot of mood away from what im trying to do if I set it during the godess curse, and it will change my idea completely if I disregard the godess curse altogether. So I kinda decided I would keep my timeline dynamic and a lot of stuff will work better that way.
ALso I wanted to make this something that you could let some one read, who knew nothing at all about SoS, and could still be interesting to them. So yeah I'm working on it,

Minryu
03-28-2008, 01:46 PM
"CRITICAL!!! My dagger flashed in the sunlight as I leapt back and parried another wild stroke. This Star Bear was getting the better of me! Backpedaling desperately, I tried to get my bearings.


Wow I'm impressed by your second post - I loved it.

And I don't know if you did it on purpose, but I really liked that sentence about the Star Bear. "Backpedaling desperately, I tried to get my bearings." Made me chuckle.

More, more :D

thrakx
03-28-2008, 04:31 PM
thanks guys! more will come I just got a lot on my plate right now.

Khrim
03-28-2008, 06:03 PM
*cheers* (you should of made it an open poll :P)

thrakx
03-28-2008, 06:11 PM
*cheers* (you should of made it an open poll :P)

meh i'll copy paste a new thread when i'm ready. This was just to show everyone I wasnt full of crap. Methinks my point has been proven rather nicely.

Khrim
03-28-2008, 06:45 PM
Indeed. The ones who took 2nd and 3rd options aren't really coming forward it's more of a "Oh s***! Let's hide and pretend like we didn't see this thread so we don't have to post that he's right!"

thrakx
03-28-2008, 06:49 PM
yeah for some reason people hate admitting it when i'm right. Oh well good thing Im the shizzle as previously stated.

pumpkin_king_31
03-28-2008, 06:51 PM
I thought it was meh.

Good, but, very good actualy... I just have a problem with being stepped on, metaphoricly speaking.

Good job... now I need to write one of these for my app....

thrakx
03-28-2008, 06:53 PM
stepped on how? cause i posted my writing ideas first?

Eat my greatness oh minion!! whoot!

Khrim
03-28-2008, 06:55 PM
I thought it was meh.

Good, but, very good actualy... I just have a problem with being stepped on, metaphoricly speaking.

Good job... now I need to write one of these for my app....

lol stepped on? How?

pumpkin_king_31
03-28-2008, 07:00 PM
Because.. he got to doing this before I did >.>

-ish goomba and is now flat-

because I am a great writer...

anyways, good job. but mine takes place in essene :P

thrakx
03-28-2008, 07:20 PM
Khrim, Khao post this stuff on our forums in that fiction discussion thread I made and we can talk more at length about stuff ok? Either way since we all get into the same thing we should discuss it there. Anyway if you get jealous by people doing something first, you are gonna have a rough time in life. I've done it ALL first before you, ive been playing this game since october and on this forum the rest of my time so i've just had more time to think about it than you.

Khrim
03-28-2008, 07:24 PM
Let's go goomba *drags Khao to guild forums*

thrakx
03-29-2008, 06:10 AM
terribly amused that this thread got lost and the how bad thread is still up and getting posts!! WHOOO IM THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!!

thrakx
03-29-2008, 06:13 PM
oooh I really have 15 fans? That makes me feel all warm and tingly glad u guys liked it.

Anyone want to be my editor? I hate editing and Im pretty busy right now so that step has been coming later and later.

Khrim
03-29-2008, 08:57 PM
oooh I really have 15 fans? That makes me feel all warm and tingly glad u guys liked it.

Anyone want to be my editor? I hate editing and Im pretty busy right now so that step has been coming later and later.

*raises hand and scribbles over several of the lines in the big paragraphs with words "Super is a n00b!"* ^_^ like my editing?!

diamondust13
03-31-2008, 12:59 PM
You said to look it up and read, so I did XD
Keep writing, but put a lil bit more empahsis on what is happening. The imagery and tone are pretty set with what you have, just be sure to use it and not have it there just to look pretty XD
And don't friggin dare make the main character any more emo -_-
But seriously, make more happen, I don't wanna read about him walking through the rain for pages >>

thrakx
04-03-2008, 10:45 AM
You said to look it up and read, so I did XD
Keep writing, but put a lil bit more empahsis on what is happening. The imagery and tone are pretty set with what you have, just be sure to use it and not have it there just to look pretty XD
And don't friggin dare make the main character any more emo -_-
But seriously, make more happen, I don't wanna read about him walking through the rain for pages >>


Classic!!! I got 3 more fans since I las t checked this thread.

Anyway what you said kags, makes sense, but i'm not even in a rough cut at this point and I have a lot of cleaning up to do. Its not supposed to be so emo feeling, but without the context it Does come across like that. Good point. I'm in process right now so expect a bit better next time as it fleshes itself out more. :)

carlky
04-03-2008, 05:26 PM
ok first off.. i'm not your fan.. =p

its good though... you gave a good description of the surroundings and the scenario that you chose makes the reader want to flip through the next few pages to find out more about your main character....

IMO you have successfully hooked the reader.. now your next problem is keeping them hooked.. ^_^

of course im just giving my opinion as a casual reader... but the for me, the first few paragraphs of the first chapter is what determines if i like a book or not...

hanako808
04-04-2008, 02:28 AM
wow the story is soo emo...and its just right for me (although my siggy is cheery,it's really just a cover up)please write more big bro tharkx,i'll be stopping by every time i check on the forums...